Stumbling Towards Recovery

It would appear I’m somewhat crazy. This should not be news to anyone who knows me at all.

I was wandering around, just doing some errands when I realized, among other things, that I will always straddle the ‘gender divide’ so to speak. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that. On one hand, the realization of this frees me, in many ways, from having to cast aside parts of myself in order to ‘fit in’ with my pre-conceived notion of what male is. I’ve already done that in many ways by claiming my own masculine identity while still living a physical existence in a female body. On the other hand, I wonder if continuing to embrace my feminine side means I’m not fully committed to living as a man.

As I write that, I realize how ridiculous it sounds and how much I have allowed myself to be influenced by society around what is acceptable behaviour and presentation for men and, by extension, me.  Specifically, I struggle to accept that sacredness can be the purview of men. I don’t know where I go the idea that there was a gender divide. Perhaps it was a reaction to what I saw as hypocrisy in the Christian Church, or perhaps it was an idea planted in my heart at a very young age. All I know is that I have come to believe that religion (in the institutional form) is mainly the province of men while sacredness (and by extension a connection to the Spirit/God/Highest Good) is the province of women.

I find I run into this more and more these days as my journey takes me down the path of sacred soul work and healing.  As I sit with my men’s group and learn tools, I become more conscious of being able to create and hold sacred space for people to enter into and do whatever work their soul needs doing.  I want very badly to enter that sacred space, to hold it for those whose souls are in need of healing and rest. Yet, I fight a battle that says I’m a charlatan and this world of healing and grace is no longer mine to inhabit.  This tension can feel unbearable at times and I feel this will take a very long time, perhaps a lifetime, to resolve